Still doesn’t feel right…….

The realization that some things will probably never change hurts so fucking much…

Grateful for your concern, but I honestly doubt you will ever understand what this feels like.

Can’t even make sense of my own feelings. Just had close to a perfect day, but I feel a huge gaping emptiness within me. Hope things will be fine..

Fuck la the more I try to understand the more I hate myself. Why am I never good enough…….. _|_ the world

sometimes I wonder if I can really count on you to be there for me, and it shakes me up inside.

reality check huh. just leave me in this silence, why don’t you.

If suicide wasn’t that serious a sin, I’d do it right here right now.

I would give everything to make things better for you.

As 2012 progresses I feel I’m starting to comprehend just how difficult, trying, and demanding this year can get. For all my planning, mental preparation and self-psyche, just this CT1s alone have sufficed in throwing my entire being into a complete state of panic and disarray. Forget the wise words and advice, the moment is what matters and I guess I couldn’t make it when it came down to crunch. I broke. Only 2 papers back so far and I’ve fucking failed both. What a start to possibly the most important schooling year of my life.

And what makes failure so much more troubling is that this is the first time. Even with all the slacking and fun shit going on during the J1 year I managed to pass every single exam thrown my way. And maybe it was this record that had me all complacent and cocky. As I look back on my approach to CT1s I’m thoroughly filled with disgust and shame. With all the talk on 2012 being an important year and with the target of 60 RPs, I faced the exams with such a laid back attitude and god knows how much I would give to just go back to the start of the year to right all these wrongs. First time failing an exam in JC, and 2 at once at that. With the econs paper coming back soon as well I’m fucking shitting my pants hoping there won’t be a third failure.

Now of course there have been friends kind enough to encourage and console me, with the all-too-familiar “cheer up, there’s still CT2s”. Well, I say fuck you to that. Not that I don’t appreciate the concern, but things are far from that simple. With the realization that my fundamentals are completely screwed up, CT2s and even As for that matter are such a huge challenge that as I lie in bed and contemplate life (not that I’m avoiding work, but this fricking body of mine can’t get any work done. I’ll reach that part of the rant soon), everything seems impossible.

And to top everything off, I’m sick as shit! I can’t even describe this illness, it’s been alternating between a flu and a cough for the longest time and it’s starting to develop into a fever. Can barely get any work done without getting a headache, and when I accept my fatigue and try to go to sleep, my body switches on to “maximum awake mode”. (hence the inspiration to rant my ass off)

Now I’m truly sorry for expressing such negativity and resentment. Sadly, tumblr has become my vent for frustration and sadness and by all means, unfollow - it honestly does not matter to me.

With all that bad shit outta the way, I’ve gotta come up with a proper study schedule to clear up all the shit I’ve avoided in 2011. Time to kick some proper ass for A levels so I can get my sorry ass into a local university. Not by might, nor by power, but by the spirit of god (as unworthy as I am).

ryangasm:

Not quite foolish enough to put myself out there to get hurt again.